You Can't be Green and Naked

I'll never be the leader of the green movement. I don't reuse, reduce or recycle. But I do try to cut down on the chemicals. I don't know if this is from a desire to participate in the green movement or from watching "The Incredible Shrinking Lady" with Lily Tomlin one too many times in the 70s.

Don't get me wrong I still buy chemical products. I have my Pine Sol, but I also by Method. And to be perfectly honest that isn't entirely anti-harmful chemical based. I like the pretty packaging. But I do not religiously have my house sprayed for bugs every six months. Those chemicals seem so harsh, so drastic, and I have a small child. Plus, bugs are a part of this world. That is until they surprise you naked in your master bathroom.

4 years ago, I was introduced to a hairy Burtonesque intruder while buck naked in my master bath. I thought at first it was a toy tarantula, but it was a wolf spider. After the beast was taken down by my ex, I put in an emergency mid-night call to the exterminator.

History repeats itself. This morning I find myself buck naked in my master bath, when I'm approached by a many legged, hairy thing squirming all about the bathroom. In a high-pitched voice I actually exclaim, "What are you? What are you?" followed by a lot of ewws and squeals. I'm alone, of course, so I have to dispatch of this intruder myself. But I don't want to get that close. And I can't decided what to use. I don't want to use a shoe. I love my shoes. So, unfortunately I have to select a large book.

Still naked, I pitch this heavy volume at the bug. It scurries off and pins itself against the wall. There's no way I'm getting any closer. And on some weird level I feel sorry for it. Yet I know the second that thing moves again that feeling will fade. The book won't fit into the space he's taken refuge. There's nothing more I can do, but call an exterminator. I wonder, what's so bad about chemicals anyway? I want to be naked in my bath, and that's why I'll never be green.