Dream Date

It started with Barbie and Ken. Barbie was in something pink, shiny and ruffled. Who cared what Ken wore. He was merely a symbol, with rubber molded-hair, of my future love. I was the big-boobed, blond in my sweaty little fist. Ken was a stand-in for Barry Manilow, Gene Wilder, Steve Martin, Mork from Ork, George Hamilton and Elvis – the playtime dream dates of my childhood.

I was not lucky enough to have a Barbie Dream House or Corvette. Instead, I had my full-size, four-poster brass bed and my imagination. I mentally divided the landscape of my bed into the Barbies’ house, the restaurant and the ball. Each Barbie waited her turn for a dream date with Ken. Each date followed the same formula: quick dinner, dancing, damsel in distress, sex – always in the missionary position.

Then I grew up, and the concept of a dream date faded away. It was lost in the less dressy and less exciting routine of bad dates. There was:
The ‘Hang Out At White Castles’ Date.
The ‘I Don’t Have A Car’ Date.
The ‘I Still Live At Home With My Parents’ Date.
The ‘I’m Unemployed’ Date.
The ‘I’m In Rehab’ Date.
The ‘Milk Makes Me Horny’ Date.
The 'Ladies First, So I Can Watch Your Butt’ Date.
The ‘Talk About My Ex All Night’ Date.
The ‘Every Word Out Of My Mouth Is A Lie’ Date.
The ‘Wingman’ Date.
The ‘Cliché’ Date.
The ‘Human Octopus’ Date.
The ‘Blind’ Date.
The ‘Oh, You Wanted To Actually Do Something’ Date.
The ‘How Did You Live Without Me?’ Date.
The ‘Jesus Loves You’ Date.
The ‘I’m Going To Look At You All Night The Way Homer Simpson Looks At A Donut’ Date.
The ‘I’m A Racist’ Date.
The ‘I’m A Homophobe’ Date.
The ‘Horny Catholic’ Date.
The ‘We Just Met. We Must Be Soul Mates’ Date.
The ‘I Lost My License’ Date.
The ‘Insulting Alcoholic’ Date.
The ‘Meet My Wife’ Date.
The ‘Olive Garden = Fancy’ Date.
The ‘I Don’t Like To Read’ Date.
The ‘Can You Drive? Can You Pay? Can I Get Laid?’ Date.
The ‘I’ve Never Seen Star Wars Or Indiana Jones’ Date.
The ‘I’ll Cry If You Don’t Kiss Me’ Date.
The ‘My Wallet Is Sealed Tighter Than The Virgin Mary’ Date.
The ‘I Kiss Like A Bunny-Rabbit’ Date.
The ‘I Think I’m A Stud, But I've Got The Moves Of A 14 Year-Old’ Date.
The ‘Pizza Delivery Driver’ Date.

These are in no particular order. But it might be interesting and difficult to try and rate them in order of pain. I had forgotten about the concept of a dream date in the clutter of these horrendous experiences. And then, I started going out with: ‘Attentive, Intelligent, Sexy, Interesting, Gentleman, Entertain Your Daughter, Make You Feel Important And Wanted, I'm A Mensch’ Date. Thankfully, dream dates can come true with or without the pink, shiny, ruffled wardrobe.